Aqua VS Everything Wrong with the Universe
by chickenscrews
Summary: Terra and Ven threaten the structural integrity of the universe whenever they go outside. Aqua loves them dearly, but is always stuck with the unfortunate duty of cleaning up their cosmic blunders all while keeping her own mental health in check.
1. Aqua VS Illiteracy

Aqua VS Everything Wrong with the Universe

Chapter One: Aqua VS Illiteracy

Pete held the pen and clipboard before Terra in the office of Captain Justice's Used and Broken Car Shop and said to his customer in a sleazily cheery demeanor, "We've got it all worked out now, Mr. Terra sir. Now, just sign the dotted line and this here car is yours."

Terra grabbed the pen and said with a smile, "Finally, I'll be able to crash into fire hydrants and think about sandwiches at the same time!" But his hand froze suddenly before the inky tip could touch the paper. Then he got all sweaty and started shaking and contorting like a crazy person.

"Uh, sir?" Captain Justice asked.

Terra clutched his head in his hands and screamed to the heavens, "I FORGOT HOW TO SPELL MY NAME! NOW ALDERAAN WILL FALL!" Then an overwhelming torrent of crazy-energy burst from his body and made a mess of everything within a six-foot radius of him, making Captain Justice's cape billow in the unorthodox fit. And so, Terra flew suddenly through the roof, screaming vengefully all the way, until he broke through the world's atmosphere and his legs became twelve-barrel photonic Gatling guns with which he destroyed the planet Alderaan and rallied a fearsome Galactic Empire to serve his illiterate will.

The planetary explosion flashed brilliantly in the library window behind Aqua, making her jump in her seat and spill coffee all over her book, an aged copy of _The Prince_ by Niccolo Machiavelli. Irritated from the spilled drink and ruined book, she turned at once to the window behind her, where she saw the last of the explosion and the celestial fragments which crashed into various parts of their own world, demolishing multiple castle walls and tearing up Master Eraqus' garden. Aqua then turned to her side, where she saw Ven safely tied to a nearby post by his collar, where he played with his toys. Aqua groaned, knowing there was only one other force in the universe capable of such catastrophes besides the individual in the library with her, and that was…

"Terra," Aqua seethed. She stood up and said, "Ven, I'm going out for a little bit. I think Terra forgot how to spell his name again."

"'Kay," Ven said while playing with his toys.

Meanwhile, Terra sat in the throne of the command ship leading his new fleet of Star Destroyers. He wore a black Sith robe and fumed angrily at the television monitor in front of him where a fuzzy blue monster asked, "Now, what starts with the letter C?"

"Does 'Terra' begin with C?" Terra asked eagerly.

"Cookie starts with C! Let's think of other things that start with C!"

Terra's eyes nearly bulged from his head with anticipation, "Yes, let's!"

"Ah, who cares about the other things?" the monster deferred before singing, "C is for cookie; that's good enough for me..."

Terra screeched with rage and leapt from his seat to eat the television set. He chomped crazily like a space emperor who couldn't spell his own name.

A Stormtrooper ran into the room just then. "Emperor Terra, someone is obliterating our fleet of Star Destroyers and is heading this way! What are your orders?!"

Then an explosion blew apart the doorway and flung away the Stormtrooper and Red Guards nearby. Standing amid the smoke and debris was Aqua, who was panting and tired from destroying so many Star Destroyers with her Keyblade. To anyone else, the sight of Terra mauling a TV apart with his teeth would've been strange, but she'd seen worse.

"Terra, did you forget how to spell your name again?"

"Yes! And now the galaxy will perish!"

Aqua sighed and pulled out a thin book from behind her back. It was Dr. Seuss's _ABC_. "You could've just said so. You didn't need to blow up a planet just to vent out your anger."

Terra said "Oh," and was ashamed.

Then, in the Super Mammoth Star Destroyer's library which it apparently had, Aqua read to Darth Terra the alphabet book as Ven 4.2 played with his toys while secured to a post by his collar. Terra was upset at page 34. "WHY WOULD OSCAR'S ONLY OSTRICH OIL AN ORANGE OWL?!"

Aqua replied, "He has problems, Terra. Don't judge him for it."

Ventus 4.2 melted.


	2. Aqua VS Prohibition

Aqua VS Everything Wrong with the Universe

Chapter Two: Aqua VS Prohibition

Aqua took Ven to the pet shop to reward him for _not_ setting Master Eraqus on fire for an entire month in the hopes that raising a pet would facilitate further responsible behavior from the unwitting pyromaniac. In his childlike glee, Ven led Aqua to the clam section, where his youthful gaze spied a particular specimen and he jumped and pointed at it, "Aqua! Look! Look!—it's perfect! Can we get this one?"

Curious, Aqua took a gander at the prospective pet the boy found and thusly cringed at beholding a horribly mutated clam/billy-goat hybrid which secreted toxic ooze and made horrible wheezing sounds from its sixteen armpits. On the verge of nausea, Aqua barely maintained a nervous smile and said gently, "Ven…are you sure you want this one? Wouldn't you rather have something that…_doesn't_ secrete toxic ooze from its armpits?"

"No," Ven said plainly.

Aqua frowned. "Well, the Master wouldn't like having dangerous chemical fluids leaking all over the castle, so we'll just have to get something else."

"'Kay," Ven replied.

Just then, Jumba Jookiba, famed evil genius from the furthest reaches of space, appeared before the Keybearing duo in a puff of magic smoke, wearing a clever human disguise so nobody would recognize him, which was basically a striped barbershop suit with a hat and a fake handlebar mustache. Also, he had a cane. All respectable showmen have canes. The smoke from his grand entrance made Aqua cough, but Ven was immune to it thanks to all the tear gas he'd come into contact with over the years whenever he and Terra tried to kidnap the president.

The Russian-sounding alien said in his happy, boisterous voice, "So, you are looking for pet that doesn't leak chemical ooze from its armpits, eh? HA-HA! You've come to the right place! Here—have adorable puppy!" At this, he reached into a fish tank and pulled out Stitch (who was wearing scuba gear and not at all happy that his underwater television-viewing session of the sitcom _Dinosaurs_ was abruptly ended) by the scruff of his neck and lobbed him at Ventus with all his strength, knocking him on his back several yards away from the point of origin of the fluffy pointblank headshot with Stitch plastered against his face.

When Ven's dizziness subsided moments later and he saw disoriented Stitch trying to stand, his face lit up and he lifted Stitch in his arms. Lava burst through the floor tiles in accordance with his happiness. He shouted in a tone of innocent jubilation, "Imma call you 'Henry Pootel' and we're gonna bootleg alcohol!" Then he got up and ran out the door with the new pet in his arms, Stitch wailing and reaching in vain for his underwater television set all the way.

When Aqua finished coughing up the last of the smoke, Jumba stuck her wrist with a catheter and squirted some blood all over a sheet of parchment paper.

"Hey! What the—?!" Aqua screamed before Jumba interrupted.

"HA-HA! Now you have signed in blood and transaction is official! Enjoy your new pet!"

Then the pet shop (sans the small area where Aqua stood) flew into space with its rocket boosters beneath the floor to the foreboding sound of Jumba's evil laughter. Aqua glared at the heavens where the alien scientist vanished to, but then remembered Ven just announced his plans to battle prohibition and quickly turned around to find the town completely in flames from Ven's merry rampage. A building fell over because it was sad.

Aqua sighed. "Why do I even get out of bed anymore?"

A nearby Mortimer Snerd puppet affixed to a nearby Edgar Bergen from _Fun and Fancy Free_ said "I blame the ozone layer."

A nearby Charlie McCarthy puppet attached to that same Edgar Bergen chided his counterpart, "You _always_ blame the ozone layer!"

Mortimer replied, "Well, that's because it sold me a faulty cable subscription."

The Edgar Bergen to which the two puppets were fastened interjected, "Now, Mortimer, the ozone layer can't sell anybody a faulty cable subscription. Ms. Aqua, could you please explain to my friend here why the ozone layer is incapable of soliciting illegal television services?"

Aqua said "No" and drove off on a motorcycle to stop Ven.

In a mafia building on the other side of town, Henry "Stitch" Pootel smoked five cigarettes in his mouth with another lodged in his ear while he petted Ven in his lap, who was now the size of a cat and had the extra limbs and protruding spine for authenticity. Stitch addressed his six hit-men in Stitch-speak, but with complementary Swedish subtitles so that anybody who speaks Swedish can understand: "Yuoo hefe-a perffurmed edmurebly, my henchmee. Elreedy, ve-a cuntrul must ooff thees ceety's illegel elcuhul prucoorement und deestribooshun leenes, und oooor inemeees cooer beffure-a us. In teeme-a, thees vurld shell knoo tu feer zee neme-a 'Henry Puutel' und ooffffer treeboote-a in zee furm ooff zeeur lefft shues! Nu lefft shue-a shell be-a spered! Bork Bork Bork!"

The leader of the hit-men, ten year-old T.J. Detweiler, answered his fluffy blue superior, "You can count on us, boss!"

Spinelli added, "Yeah, by the time we're through with this town, ain't no one gonna have the guts to stand up to us!"

Gus Griswald queried, "Uh, guys?—Why are we working for a blue dog?"

Stitch jumped on his desk and hit Gus repeatedly with a rolled-up newspaper. Everybody knows it's indecent workplace etiquette to question your employer's species. When he finished his swatting and Gus devolved into a triangle, Stitch addressed his crew again in subtitled Swedish, "Thet's inuoogh deelly-dellyeeng! Noo ooffff veet yuoo, und dun't retoorn unteel zee rest ooff thees ceety is meene-a!"

Suddenly, Aqua leapt from Mikey Blumberg's stomach in a lawyer suit covered in blood and entrails and slammed Stitch in the face with a briefcase, the concussive shockwaves of which rattled continents and shook the stars. Aqua's briefcase burst open on impact, unleashing a flock of legal papers as the fluffy Henry Pootel careened through the window until he vanished off in the horizon. Amidst the dust from the Keyblading lawyer's entrance, Aqua picked up kitty-Ven in a frantic haste and said, "Ven, I just legalized the sale, distribution, and ownership of alcohol, so you don't have to bootleg this stuff anymore!"

Ven seemed upset. "Now what're we gonna bootleg?!"

"Nothing!" Aqua yelled, more concerned than angry. "Why can't you just fly a kite or something?"

Ven thought about it, then answered "'Kay."

He later flew a zeppelin by a kite string and crashed it into the castle, causing hundreds of deaths and lighting Master Eraqus on fire again.


End file.
